But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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