I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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