I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
