I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
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nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.