It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How does one acquire holy water?
True strength comes from lack of pants