im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
