party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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