She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
