I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Randomize
