I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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