Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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