Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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