Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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