I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
