I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
