i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
