if only i could text you this smell
my shit smells like andre
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
