if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
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Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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