On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
