1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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