Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
as a side note pls kill me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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