Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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