so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
