and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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