I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
