Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
