i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.