I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
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Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....