This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
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life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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