You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We talked him into tasing himself.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
