The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
