Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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