member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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