Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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