My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
