i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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