What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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