Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
