Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
