Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
