She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
