I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
