I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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