I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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