Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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