No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
