its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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