Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
