why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
