My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
