Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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