Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
