I wish I could teleport
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
