i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
