She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
