i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
