I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
