So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
