I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
