If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
