Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
